Reckless
by Maybe an HEA Contest
Summary: I wonder sometimes if you know what it's like to drown—being submerged in a sea of grief where time seems to stand still and you can't breathe. You gasp and gasp, hoping for relief, for enough air to reach your lungs and take away the desperation, the pain.


Disclaimer: The author does not own any publicly recognizable entities herein. No copyright infringement is intended.

**Reckless **

_I stare at the newspaper; the feelings bubbling to the top of my heart are so unexpected, so wrong. I shouldn't feel the pain I do in this moment. Is this the natural progression—years in the making? The writing on the wall is now bright neon, flashing the words I should have seen before._

_Like a drug addict chasing that first high, I have spent years chasing something that will probably kill me. Now I know I may never feel that high again-I'm not sure anyone ever does._

*****Reckless*****

I lay next to him, kissing, letting him touch me in places and ways I'd never let anyone touch me before. The alcohol that flowed through my veins had caused my inhibitions to leave, and let me embrace these feelings that were completely physical. There was nothing emotional involved.

I had met Jake earlier in the night. He was cute, very cute, and he was interested in me. I'd had a number of boyfriends since freshman year, but most of those so-called relationships lasted all of five or six weeks. Maybe Jake would be different.

I could feel it build. I'd experienced an orgasm before, but never at the hands of someone else. I was close—so very close—when a bang resonated through the window. The sound was startling and caused Jake to jerk his hand out of my jeans. I jumped up, fumbling with the button on my pants as we ran out the door. The music was much louder in the living room than it had been in the bedroom, so no one else had heard the noise. Jake didn't want to go investigate, preferring to go back to the seclusion we'd been enjoying, so I left him standing in the living room with his friends and went outside on my own.

Two houses down, by the stop sign, I saw a figure squatting, elbows resting on bent knees, head bowed. I made my way over, recognizing the boy I had crushed hard on a mere three or so years earlier, Edward Cullen. He lived down the road, but I hadn't seen him since eighth grade. We ran in different circles, even though he was technically a jock, playing both football and baseball.

"What happened, Edward?" I asked, my voice soft, as I approached him.

He merely shook his head, and I noticed he was cradling one hand in the other. It was obvious he had just punched the stop sign, so I took a not-so-wild guess.

"No girl is worth that," I said as I kneeled next to him, inspecting his knuckles under the street light. The swelling had already started.

He didn't confirm nor did he deny, but the sly smirk he tried to stifle told me I'd hit the mark. He eventually revealed that Tanya, his girlfriend of six months, had gone out with someone else. Ah, high school romances never seemed to last long, not like our parents' had.

We talked for a while, Jake and the almost-orgasm long forgotten as I reconnected with my old friend.

It wasn't long before we heard his mother yelling his name from the porch, calling him home. He thanked me for being there before he walked off towards his house.

As I watched him fade into the darkness, I felt those same feelings I had from that summer when we were still kids.

*****Reckless*****

_As I stare at the picture of you looking so handsome and grown up in your tux, I think back to senior prom and the promises we once made to each other. How I once knew with everything I was that I would be Mrs. Edward Cullen. Funny, life has a way of laughing at our plans._

*****Reckless*****

"Daddy, I can't believe you threatened him!" I stood, looking at Charlie in disbelief. He had told Edward that either he take me to prom or he was sure he could find another suitor willing to take his beautiful daughter.

Edward was on the baseball team, and if they had kept winning, they would have had a game on the same day as prom. While Edward wasn't into all the pomp and circumstance of high school, I enjoyed all the rites of passage and really wanted to go. I wanted the beautiful dress, the dancing and the whole nine yards. Edward wasn't necessarily overjoyed with the idea of dressing up, preferring ball caps and sweat pants, but he heeded Charlie's words.

I had to admit I was secretly glad the Summerville High baseball team was eliminated from the playoffs. However, any guilt I had dissipated the moment I descended the stairs and there stood the love of my life, looking all kinds of hot in the black tux. I even managed to overlook the fact that he was wearing a vest instead of the cummerbund I'd asked him to get.

That night we went to Summerville's finest restaurant, just the two of us—a real treat because we didn't actually go on real dates too often, preferring to hang out with our families or find alone time. After dinner, we'd driven down to the Battery in downtown Charleston in his parents' station wagon. He claimed it was so he didn't have to use the gas in his SS, but I knew it was the flat surface in the back that made him bring it. He fooled no one, especially not me—he was a horny one. Even though once we started having sex and we did it at every opportunity we found alone time, he still found the need to jerk off daily.

Later, we walked in to the dance, had our pictures taken, and danced exactly once to Joe Cocker and Jennifer Warnes' _Up Where We Belong. _As the slow beat drifted across the dance floor, we swayed side to side, arms tight around each other as we circled the dance floor.

"Did you see Alice and Jasper?" he asked, his tone full of mirth.

"I'm surprised they actually made it here. I thought he'd have her dress off her before they got out the door. But I never did see Rose and James." I laughed at our friends.

"I think they may have had the best idea," he whispered, all traces of humor gone, his hips pushing into my stomach, letting me feel how hard he was already.

I looked up into his eyes, the want I saw there causing my own desire to ignite.

"Get me out of here, big boy."

I didn't have to tell him twice. He grabbed my hand and dragged me out into the night.

There was beach access directly across from where we'd parked, so he told me to wait while he collected the blanket he'd stashed in the back of the car. I watched him as he jogged across the street, the black pants hugging his ass and making it look almost as good as those damn baseball pants did. I smiled when he looked across the street and grinned at me before opening the back of the wagon. A man should not be that beautiful—it was almost unfair.

We made our way towards the sound of the breaking waves, stopping only when we found an area between the dunes that offered a little more privacy. The sun had long since set but the moon danced off of the water and the stars sparkled in the black sky, lighting the white sand. Edward carefully spread out the blanket. Edward was not a drinker. He placed a bottle of Champagne and two plastic flutes on the blanket before taking my hand and helping me sit. He had always been very serious about sports, and he avoided participating with his teammates when they partied, so I was definitely surprised.

Edward seemed a little nervous, which was surprising because we'd definitely made love a lot. But I found out why as soon as he'd popped the cork and poured us both a glass of the cheap champagne he confessed to having his brother, Emmett, buy.

"Bella, I know we aren't ready for marriage," he said, turning to look into my eyes. "But I want you to wear this, a symbol of the promise of our future together."

He slid the small diamond onto my finger as a tear slipped down his cheek. "I love you, Bella, never doubt it. No matter what happens, please remember I will love you until my last breath on this earth."

"I love you, Edward, so, so much." Tears also slipped from my eyes as I wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed him softly.

Because of our almost public location, most of our clothes stayed on, but we couldn't resist making love on the beach. The traditional southern style skirt of my gown allowed me to cover us both as I straddled his lap, riding him, bringing us both ecstasy under the stars.

*****Reckless*****

_I wonder if your parents miss me as much as I miss them. Sometimes I wonder if losing them was the worst part. Your parents readily included me in everything. I remember the family vacations, dinners, and sitting with them at all of your ballgames. I even still have the handmade Raggedy Ann doll your mom made me for our graduation. It sits in a place of honor in my room and never fails to start a conversation._

*****Reckless*****

"I talked to Momma and Daddy!" I squealed the moment he'd opened the door, the excitement in my voice giving away the good news I had been waiting to share.

"They're going to let you go?" he asked as he pulled me into his arms. "I never doubted it for a minute. Your parents love me." His smugness never failed to turn me on. He was cocky but never arrogant. It was a fine line that so many crossed, but he never did.

"Yes! Two blissful weeks on the beach with you and no Riley! Life is good."

Esme rounded the corner and said, "You're welcome. I talked to Renee and Charlie before we ever asked you to go. I'm not sure it'd be a worthwhile vacation if you weren't with us."

I laughed at his mom's admission. Over the last year or so, Edward and I had spent all of our time together, so neither set of parents remembered what it was like to have either of us alone.

Those two weeks were the bliss I had hoped for. Every evening saw us talking about the future as we walked hand in hand, strolling the sandy beaches as small waves breaking against our ankles. We made plans for college, planned our wedding, and talked about our future kids—and then we practiced making them. I don't know if I'd ever been as happy as I was in those moments.

*****Reckless*****

_You were everything a parent dreamed of: smart, athletic, handsome, but most importantly, respectful, to them and their daughter. Renee and Charlie loved you, well, as much as any parent could, knowing that you wanted in my panties, or much to Charlie's chagrin, had already been in them. Charlie had once been you, so he wasn't delusional like so many other parents. He just wanted to protect us, keep us safe and baby free. He also wanted to make sure neither of us sacrificed too much and regretted any choice we made._

_Even though his intentions were good, it's hard not to look back and blame Charlie sometimes. If only he would have let me go to school with you, you might never have discovered you could live without me. I wouldn't have had to see that look on your face when I asked if you still loved me._

_Part of me is grateful, the other part, not so much._

*****Reckless*****

"Bella!" Edward shouted across the courtyard, jogging towards me.

A smile took over my features at the look of joy on his face. Coach Clapp had asked to see him at lunch, so I waited, hanging out in Senior Square with my friends, something I didn't do often enough. We both got out after fourth period, so we didn't typically stay for lunch on campus. Edward was never the social one, preferring a few good friends to large groups. I had close friends, but I also loved being part of a large group.

His smile was wide when he reached us. "I got an offer to play ball, Bella!"

He loved baseball, and always wanted to play beyond high school. He was good, but he wasn't the best out there. There are thousands of kids vying for a handful of athletic scholarships every year, and the big schools only looked at the best of the best. Edward had long ago resigned himself to student loans and maybe walking on. We'd decided to go to one of the branch campuses of the University of South Carolina, Aiken. They had a baseball team that we felt he'd be a shoo-in for, and it was far enough from home that we wouldn't be under our parents' roofs.

"Where the hell is Erskine?" I asked, curiosity and anxiety evident in my tone.

Edward's eyes shone with pride as he talked about this little school and their baseball program. The biggest upside was that he wouldn't have to take loans.

Later that night, I started looking at the application process, and that's when my world began to crumble.

"Bella, I love you, and you know I love Edward, but you can't be that girl. You need to establish yourself. I can't sit back and watch you change your plans and your life at someone else's whim. You can follow him, but I won't pay for it."

*****Reckless*****

_I knew my daddy was right, but knowing what I know now, I'm not sure I wouldn't have defied him and just chosen to find a job and follow you. I don't know if the pain I had to endure was worth the piece of paper I got in trade._

_At the time though, I just knew we'd be okay. We had plans and a love so deep nothing would stand in our way. I wore your promise on my left hand and in my heart. You were my first and I knew you'd be my last._

*****Reckless*****

"We can take turns making the trek." Edward stroked my hair, my head resting on his chest as we cuddled on a blanket under the stars. His words and promises didn't alleviate the fear I felt. I'd spent every waking hour with him for so long, that I wasn't sure I'd be able to breathe without him. I wasn't sure my heart would beat if I couldn't touch him.

"Baby, we've got this. Your dad's right. We can both get the college experience and we'll be stronger for it. You aren't worried about finding someone else are you?" he asked, trying to be humorous, but I could hear a hint of fear.

I moved, repositioning myself on my elbow so I could see his eyes. "Edward Anthony!" I said sternly. "Don't YOU dare doubt me. You're it for me. You own me, heart and soul, so don't you dare."

"Ditto," he said as he moved to mirror my position.

The first two years of college were spent on the road between the two college towns. Edward would come up on off weeks, but most of the miles were logged on the 1980 Mustang that Daddy bought me for college. Edward's SS, a muscle car, wasn't the most reliable nor was it good on gas.

The first year saw us visiting almost every weekend until we were reunited for the summer, but the beginning of the second year brought longer separations. More difficult course work and group projects forced us to spend more and more time apart.

And when we learned Charlie had accepted a position across the country, we fretted about what it meant for the holidays in the next few years. As the year went on, the trips became less and less frequent. The phone calls went from twice a day to twice a week—until they weren't necessary anymore.

*****Reckless*****

_They say before you have a heart attack you experience a feeling of doom, as if your world is about to end. I know that feeling well. People have died from broken hearts, and I still wonder how I survived. I didn't think it was possible to survive something that hurt so much. I'm still not able to breathe deeply._

*****Reckless*****

As I pulled into the tiny town that had seen so much of my life, the nerves made yet another appearance. Coming home was supposed to be comforting, but anxiety had been a frequent visitor over the last week. I'd talked to Edward a couple of times, making plans for our spring break, but something had felt off in our conversations. Intuition told me something was wrong, but I did my best to push the feelings down-again. I wanted to enjoy the week with Edward and not worry about anything. Denial didn't change a thing that week.

I didn't stop at home, knowing my parents were at the ballgame watching Riley, so I drove straight to the high school and pulled into one of the few remaining parking spaces. The baseball team was in the running for state again, and just about everyone in the student body had come out, along with a few recent alumni.

I looked towards the area just outside the fence behind first base—where we'd always sat with his parents, but I found him sitting on the bleachers, which was very strange and unnerving. Since he'd graduated, he always sat with his parents, never being one to be too social.

Ignoring the anxiety that had built in the pit of my stomach, I walked over to his parents to say hi, Before I reached them, Emmett cut me off, picking me up and twirling me around, telling me he'd missed me. Emmett was my best friend, outside of Edward. He'd gone to school in Atlanta and had recently graduated. He was hoping to get a job working in architecture close to home, so he'd moved back into his parents' home.

After hugging his parents, they pointed out where Edward was sitting, and it was then I noticed a girl sitting next to him-not too close, but close enough that my heart sank.

I made my way to the bleachers, a forced smile plastered on my face. The minute he saw me, he shifted his position and moved away from the girl. It wasn't much, but it was enough for me to wonder just what he'd been thinking about before I appeared. He smiled and hugged me when I reached him, but something was lacking. 

"Bella, I didn't know you were here."

His words hurt more than he could have imagined. The last time we met at the game, he'd sat on the hood of his car, waiting for me. Now he was sitting with Jessica, a girl from high school who graduated a year behind us—she was cute but nothing special. I was supposed to be special.

We sat in the bleachers for the rest of the game, talking with everyone we hadn't seen in a long time. In spite of the feeling of doom that lingered in my mind, I relaxed and had a great time. It was a nice change. Of course, when it was over and Edward actually asked me if he should go home with his parents, I knew what was coming. After weeks without seeing each other, I expected him to want to be alone with me, touching me, holding me, loving me, but he made no overture, no effort.

My heart screamed at me to send him home with his parents. Maybe if I avoided being alone with him, I could avoid what I knew was coming.

We finally end up getting in my car, heading to my parents' house first. I stuck my head inside, saying hello, letting them know we were going to sit on the porch.

I sat down next to Edward, looking out into the night. The silence was deafening and the feeling of doom was heavy in the air. It had never been like that. We could talk for hours or sit and say nothing—it had never been uncomfortable before.

"Wanna go somewhere?" I asked, hopeful. Making love would bring us closer together—it always had before.

"Honestly, I'm tired. This week has been hell with finals, and Coach didn't even want to let us off for spring break since the season starts soon." He sounded detached.

I didn't want to ask the next question, but I did. "What's wrong, Edward? You seem distant. Actually you've seemed distant all week."

"I don't know, Bella. I really don't. Things are so confusing right now." He shook his head and then tilted it to look at me, his tone doing nothing to soothe my nerves.

"Is it us? What's going on? You're really scaring me, baby." I looked into his eyes, begging him for honesty. "Please talk to me."

We didn't make love that night. Instead, I spent the night throwing up on the side of the house because Edward told me he didn't think he was in love with me anymore.

*****Reckless*****

_Thinking about that night still makes me nauseous, even five years later. You've heard the saying that everything is darkest before the dawn. Well, it's true in the sense that the sun does come up, but it doesn't necessarily make things clearer or brighter. In fact, daylight can be a very, very dark place._

*****Reckless*****

I woke up the next morning and called him. I didn't know what else to do. He just said he wasn't sure, but maybe spending time together would give him the clarity we'd had for more than two years. There were never doubts, never fear of losing one another. I convinced myself it would be okay-It had to be. How was I supposed to live without my heart?

Esme was just as bright and cheerful as ever when she answered the phone. Realizing he hadn't told them gave me hope, and I breathed a little easier, thinking maybe he doubted the decision, maybe hurting as much as I was.

I heard her yell to him as she set the phone down on the counter. "Edward, Bella's on the phone."

He answered, uncertainty in his voice. "Hey. How are you doing?"

Trying to be light, I replied, "Eh, I'd be lying if I said I was okay."

"Me too." His voice was almost a whisper.

We chatted for a while, nothing heavy, just an ordinary conversation. We didn't make plans before hanging up, and I was left wondering, in limbo. Was there a space left for me in his life anymore?

I spent some of the morning with my mom. I couldn't help but tear up when she asked about him. The look of sympathy she gave me when she realized what was going on had me excusing myself and running up the stairs to my room. She didn't come for me, letting me cry. Moms usually know when to leave something alone, and I was grateful she knew this was one of those times.

I cried myself to sleep, again.

*****Reckless*****

_I sometimes wonder if you know what it's like to drown—being submerged in a sea of grief where time seems to stand still and you can't breathe. You gasp and gasp, hoping for relief, for enough air to reach your lungs and take away the desperation, the pain, but relief never comes. _

_I know what it's like, and it's a scary way to die, slow and painful._

*****Reckless*****

It was late afternoon when I decided to go out for a walk around the neighborhood. Of course, I headed towards his street. I stopped at the sign I'd found him kneeling at a few years before, remembering that night, ever thankful he punched that sign and got me away from Jake. Edward taught me how beautiful it was when you gave yourself to someone out of love, not wholly lust. I forever treasure that.

I crossed the street, sat down on the hill, leaning up against the fence where we'd spent many days dreaming about a future together, and allowed myself to smile as I remembered.

I could still see Edward, looking every bit the jock, in his sweats and football jersey—those green eyes sparkling under the streetlamp as he regaled me with his ex-girlfriend's antics. I closed my eyes and pictured him wearing those same sweats on a Thursday night in October—a memory that I would carry with me forever.

My parents had taken Riley, my brother, to the junior varsity football game. I knew he wasn't supposed to be there when they weren't home, but instead of sending him away, I opened the door and invited him in. There were no plans that night, just two silly kids who didn't know how to deal with want and desire-his mouth on me, me pushing his sweats down, and a very quick first time on my parents' living room floor.

I was more scared the next night because I had had all day to think about it, but Edward made it wonderful. He lovingly soothed my nerves as he undressed me, taking his time, kissing each new piece of skin as it was unveiled to him. The air around us was charged, the excitement palpable. I was so unsure of what to do, and I'm sure it wasn't as memorable for him, but I felt every moment of that night for years.

Reminiscing made the urge to see him stronger, so I walked past the few houses separating me from Edward's. I didn't make it all the way into his yard before I saw him, sitting on the picnic table in the backyard. He was talking animatedly with someone, so I bypassed the front door and went straight through the gate.

There stood Jessica, giggling at whatever he had said. My heart and head said run, but it was too late. He'd seen me, so I swallowed hard and made my way over to them. I was determined neither of them would see me cry. I stayed for about twenty minutes, probably more than is acceptable for a pathetic ex-girlfriend but long enough to prove to everyone I was fine.

I cried myself to sleep again that night.

*****Reckless*****

_I don't believe in regrets as a whole. My life has been pretty good overall, and changing the past would put all of the good that has happened, the good that will happen, at risk. But knowing what I know now, I would change everything about the last five years of my life-damn the consequences._

*****Reckless*****

After seeing Edward with Jessica, smiling and laughing, I knew I had to stay away from him for the rest of the break. I needed to get back to Aiken and forget Edward Cullen ever existed, as if that would ever be possible for me.

I called Alice. Honestly, I'm surprised she didn't hang up on me. I'd spent the last couple of years wrapped up in Edward and rarely saw my friends. We were content being together, just the two of us. He didn't drink and hated going to parties, so my life with my friends became almost non-existent.

Alice, being the faithful friend she'd always been, dropped everything and rescued me. She took me to Columbia, shopping; she took me to the beach, but mostly, she just took my mind off him. Of course, she listened to me cry when I couldn't hold it together anymore, which was too frequently.

On Wednesday, five days after my world changed, Edward called late in the afternoon. Hearing his voice on the other side of the phone made my heart beat so hard I knew it was going to explode, tearing open my chest. But at the same time, I felt the weight lessen; breathing became a little easier. When he asked if I wanted to come over, I smiled for the time since I'd come home.

Esme and Carlisle greeted me in their normal fashion: Esme with a hug and Carlisle with a grunt. Emmett wasn't home, and I was grateful for that. I wasn't ready to answer questions or talk to him—not until I could give him answers. I was closer to him than I was to my own brother.

Esme directed me to the kitchen where Edward was sitting, waiting for me.

Edward tipped his head sideways and smiled, looking up from his seat at the kitchen table. I grinned and sat across from him. The silence was uncomfortable, but I didn't know what to say. Thankfully, Edward broke the silence by asking me to play cards. It was normal. Normal was good.

We had played a few hands of Gin Rummy before he suggested strip poker.

"Are you nuts? Esme could walk in here," I said, looking at him as if he'd lost his mind.

"It's not like it would be the first time, Bella." He smiled, the mischievous expression I'd seen so many times shining on his features.

"In your room, maybe, but never in the damn kitchen! Carlisle could come in! I don't want your dad seeing me naked."

His eyes got wide and I couldn't help but laugh at the look on his face.

"Point made. But," he said, dragging out the but, "We could just flash each other." He waggled his brow.

He was so damn cute; I agreed without hesitation.

I lost the first hand and pulled up my shirt, exposing my bra-covered boobs, which caused him to protest. Excited at the turn the day was taking, I gave him what he wanted and flashed a bare boob, leaving my shirt up long enough for him to reach out and graze my nipple with a fingertip. I lost the next hand, and he told me he wanted to see my pussy. This was far more difficult than lifting the shirt, but I was able to give him what he wanted by pulling my shorts over to the side. He licked his lips when I exposed myself. He lost the next hand, and I was treated to him standing up and pulling the front of his shorts down, exposing his very hard cock.

By the time the game ended, Edward and I were sufficiently turned on. Edward hollered to his parents that we were going out, grabbed the car keys, and dragged me out the door. We went to our spot, laid the blanket out, and fucked hard. The need was too great to waste time. It'd been weeks since we'd last made love, and after the emotional turmoil of the last few days, I welcomed the physical proof I was still alive—and loved.

He dropped me off at home later that evening, and I didn't hear from him again until the first of summer.

*****Reckless*****

_When I think about that time in my life, I don't know who I resent more, you or me. I still can't believe I became that girl. The girl who would drop everything for whatever crumbs you would offer me, doing things I never pictured myself doing before. I've become someone I don't recognize. It's a weird place to be._

*****Reckless*****

I finished off my sophomore year with a lackluster performance—socially and academically. It was hard to concentrate on anything except my broken heart. I didn't want to go out with the few friends I had made; socializing wasn't a priority before Edward broke my heart, and it certainly didn't move up the list afterward. I wasn't even sure I wanted to return to Aiken for my junior year. Even though I'd spent more time going to him, there were plenty of memories there to hurt.

I had spent the time between finals packing my room and loading my car, so when I turned in my last Blue Book, I just hopped in the car and drove the two hours home.

Home.

Home was supposed to be a safe place-a place where nothing could hurt you. Unfortunately, that wasn't true for me. Home was the town where I'd given Edward everything: my heart and my soul. We were each other's firsts for most everything, and we were supposed to be each other's lasts. There would be no escaping the memories there. My parents' home was where I gave him my virginity, where we planned a now non-existent future, where he broke my heart.

There was a time I pictured us bringing our kids back and showing them all the fun things we found to do. We'd take them to the high school, show them the baseball field, take them to the park, and try not to blush when we took them to our spot.

But that was the last time I would have to make the trek to visit my parents. They were moving to Tacoma, Washington for Charlie's new job and were scheduled to leave about a week after I got home. The house had been sold, and their belongings were on a moving truck headed west. So they were staying with the Copes, who had been friends with my parents for longer than I could remember, until it was time for them to head west.

My parents wanted me to make the drive west with them for the summer, but I declined. My world had changed so dramatically by that time that I didn't think I could handle anything more. So when they pulled out of Summerville a week later, I moved into Alice's house. Alice had stayed at Converse College for the summer, electing to get ahead with her classes, or at least that is what she told her parents. The truth was Jasper was on scholarship for football at Furman University and stayed to keep up with his workouts, and Furman was less than 40 miles from Converse. Alice's parents had planned to spend most of the summer at their beach house, so they gave me a key to the house and told me to make myself at home in the spare room. Of course, living in Alice's house meant that I was mere blocks from Edward. I was definitely a glutton for punishment.

I managed to avoid all things Cullen for two weeks, but one ill-timed trip to the grocery store found me face-to-face with Emmett Cullen. I really hadn't meant to avoid him; it just happened.

"Damn it, Bella. I was devastated when I saw the sold sign in front of your parents' house. I couldn't believe you'd leave without saying goodbye." Emmett had me wrapped in a hug, squeezing me hard.

"Em, I would never do that to you, and I'm sorry I haven't called or written. Your mom still sends me care packages at school every week, but I just wasn't ready to see anyone yet."

"I know, B. I know, but you won't ever stop being family. Please tell me you know that."

"I love you, Em, and I always will, but you and I both know that this changes everything."

"Maybe he'll see the light before it's too late." Emmett didn't sound too convinced of his words.

"Maybe." I sounded even less so.

Emmett told me Edward had gone on a rappelling trip with his roommate for the week and invited me to dinner at his parents. I was afraid it would be awkward, but Carlisle and Esme treated me as though nothing had changed. It was wonderful and heartbreaking all at the same time. Before I left that night, Emmett and I had planned a few get-togethers before the end of summer, and Esme had made me promise to come see her before I headed back to campus.

*****Reckless*****

_Did you know you can be in a room full of people and still feel utterly alone? But I know that truly being alone is the worst kind of torture._

*****Reckless*****

I was beginning to regret not heading to Washington as I sat on the porch. It was hot as hell and more humid that I ever remembered a summer being. I had not really thought this whole thing through and was feeling a little lonely.

As the morning gave way to noon, it had gotten too hot to stay outside, so I decided to take myself to the movies. I was just about to go inside to grab my keys and purse when a familiar SS pulled up to the curb. My heart jumped, but I was not going to let him know he got to me. I continued inside, figuring if he wanted to see me, he could make the effort. Once I closed the door, I leaned against it and took a deep breath. My nerves were shot to shit, and I hadn't even said word one to him yet.

I jumped when he knocked on the door. I had hoped he would, but I had come to the conclusion that I really didn't know him anymore, so I didn't have a clue what he would do. I waited a little bit longer as I certainly didn't want him to know I was sitting on the other side, trying to prevent a panic attack.

I'm sure he knew just how affected I was when I opened the door. Seeing him standing there in front of me after months of no contact left me speechless. The little progress I had made at healing was out the door faster than the cool air, but it did make me feel a little better seeing him look nervous.

"Bella, hey," he said, toeing the ground, shifting his feet.

"Hey." I was afraid any more words would give me away.

"Emmett and Mom said you were staying here for the summer."

"Yeah, that's the plan for now, but this heat may have me rethinking going to see Tacoma."

"Yes, it's hot as hell out here, and you're letting all the cold air escape." His not so subtle hint had me stuttering.

"Um. Well, um, I, um." I finally took a deep breath, steadying myself. "Damn it, Edward, come on in, but please don't ask me to play cards."

At least he had the decency to look embarrassed.

"About that..." He paused before taking deep breath. "I'm sorry. I was wrong to do that to you."

"Which part? Leading me on? Making love to me? Blowing me off for months? Which part Edward?" Anger had taken over. Anger was good. Anger was an emotion I could deal with.

"All of it. I don't know. I just know that you didn't deserve it. I really wasn't blowing you off. I just needed to figure out what I wanted, and I couldn't do that with you hovering all the time."

I felt like he'd slapped me.

Seeing my reaction, he backpedaled. "Wait. That didn't come out right, Bella. What I meant was we had just broken up, and I needed to see what that was like, to see if I needed to be alone, or if we still had a chance at a future."

I closed my eyes, praying he'd tell me he thought we did.

"I still don't know, Bella. I wish I did, but I just don't know. I do know that I'd love to see you this summer."

Little did I know how that simple offer would wind up almost destroying me.

*****Reckless*****

_I've always wondered how women get themselves into such stupid circumstances. Well, that summer I thought about things I'm ashamed of, things I'm glad I didn't do. Desperation does something to the human mind-survival of the fittest and all that, but I was not surviving, and I was ready to do anything to ensure I did._

*****Reckless*****

We had a great summer. It felt as if nothing had changed, spending every moment together, just like we always had, making love, laughing, just being us. So naturally, when the time came to go back to school, I was shocked when he told me that nothing had changed. He wanted to focus on school and baseball and not have to worry about visits and a girlfriend.

"Bella, please don't cry. We had a great summer, and we can do this again next year. Maybe if you come see us over the holidays, we can spend time together." He held me tight as I fell apart.

I'd survived this once, but I wasn't sure I'd survive it again, so I told him what I needed to and what he needed to hear. I'd heard the term 'beck and call' girl, but I'd never expected to be one, but then and there I became one—Edward's booty call.

"Yeah, that sounds nice." I was barely holding the sobs in.

The school year passed with Edward asking me to meet him once a month. I took it because it was what he was offering, and I believed he was struggling too. He didn't want to let me go. It wasn't until the weekend I asked Esme and Carlisle if I could crash in their guest room that I learned just how wrong I was. Esme had let me know she and Carlisle were going to her sister's for the weekend but said I was always welcomed.

"Bella!" Emmett shouted through the screen door when I got out of my car.

"Hey, Em!" I shouted back.

Through it all, Emmett had proved to be a true friend. He always called to check on me. He sent almost as many care packages as Esme did, and he actually threatened to kick his own brother's ass if he didn't stop toying with me.

After I had gotten my bag out of the truck, I set it on the guest room bed before I sneaked down the hall to peek in Edward's room. I thought he might show up that weekend since I'd made sure he knew I would be in town. There were a few other places I could have stayed, but staying there gave me the opportunity to see him.

Of course, Emmett busted me peeking in and told me about his plans.

"Oh, Bella, I know you loved him, but you need to let him go. He's not good for you."

"I know, Em, but I don't know how." Tears flowed down my cheeks.

"B." His tone was serious, yet sympathetic. "I don't want to do this, but I have to. Please know that I would never hurt you." Emmett was holding my upper arms, looking into my eyes. He looked as desperate as I felt.

He cleared his throat before he dropped the bomb. "He's in Nashville this weekend, Bella. He's visiting his girlfriend Kate's parents for the first time."

I stood there, stunned, not moving. Girlfriend. He had a girlfriend, and it was serious enough for him to go meet her parents. Questions flowed through my brain at an incredible rate: Did she know about me? About the time we'd spent together? How long had he been seeing her? If it had been a while, did that make me the other woman, or was it her?

Emmett moved to hug me, but I just shook my head, unable speak. He just looked at me, the pity visible. I didn't want his pity, so I turned and walked away, shutting myself in the guest room.

By the time I had cried myself out, Emmett was in bed, so I went to Edward's room because I needed to feel closer to him. I needed to make sure I hadn't imagined all the words he'd said over the years. I opened the door, and for the first time, I allowed myself to look at the changes that had occurred. Gone were ticket stubs that had once littered his mirror. Gone were folded notes that had sat piled in a bowl on his dresser. Gone were the pictures of us. The picture from prom that had resided on the bookshelf headboard for the last couple of years had been replaced with a stein from his collection. I didn't see a single sign I'd ever been a part of his life.

It was as if I'd been erased.

The realization that I had been stupid to think I'd ever get him back hit me hard. I had spent every day since he broke up with me making myself available to him. He called and I went—no questions asked. I knew it had to stop. I had to stop dreaming. I had to stop giving myself, my soul, to him. I had to stop the thoughts of trapping him, forgetting my pill, so he'd be mine forever.

He wasn't mine and probably never would be again.

I glanced around one more time, and this time I saw it. One memory out of the thousands that had once decorated his room: a lavender bow tie, the one he'd worn to prom—back when he still loved me. It was draped over the corner of the mirror on his dresser, haphazardly thrown and probably long forgotten. I walked over to it and pulled it off. Memories of the night he wore that tie-the way is hung from his neck after we'd made love on the beach flashed through my mind, and then I could see him perfectly, trying to get it tied right before walking me to my door. I closed my eyes and shook my head, trying in vain to shake the memories and sadness. I had to accept what was in front of me, no matter how hard it was, so allowed myself one last look around before I walked out and closed his door.

Not wanting to drag it out anymore, I crumpled the tie I'd taken from his room and dropped it in the trashcan before grabbing my bag and hopping in my car. I left and didn't go back for more than a year.

*****Reckless*****

_Every day that year, I swore it would be the last day I would cry over you. Unfortunately, there were still more tears to spill._

*****Reckless*****

I knew my roommate, Maggie, was tired of playing Bella's answering service, but she loved me enough to do it anyway. And thanks to her efforts, I avoided Edward's calls for months. Unfortunately, I underestimated his determination and answered the phone one afternoon.

It had been more than nine months since I had walked out of Carlisle's and Esme's home, and I'd finally begun healing. Finally—but hearing his voice whispering my name seemed to set my progress back immediately. I should have slammed the phone down, maybe added a _fuck you_ for good measure. I should have done and said a lot of things, but my heart only thought, "What if I hang up and he's calling to say he wants to try again?" Woulda. Coulda. Shoulda.

"Edward." I tried to sound unaffected, but even I could hear the relief, the breathiness, in my voice.

"I'm so sorry, Bella," he started to say, but I cut him off.

I found strength in the anger those words provoked, and for the first time, I didn't cower in fear of losing him .I'd finally learned to live without him, sort of. I had graduated college and was actually looking forward to the future. I still ached when I thought about him, and my breathing still felt shallow, but I was getting closer and closer to being okay.

"What exactly are you sorry for, Edward? For continually stringing me along for the last two and a half years? For letting me believe I stood a chance? Or are you sorry that I found out that you moved on?"

"Bella, Baby, you don't get it. I love you, and I have always loved you. I don't want to let you go." His voice trembled as he spoke.

"Please let me go. Please, please let me go," I begged, knowing it was the only way I'd ever be free from him. I held my breath, trying to keep the tears at bay. I'd been so good for months, and now the love of my life was begging to see me. I didn't want to need him, but I did.

"Please," he begged. "Please come see me next weekend. Mom and Dad will be gone so we'll have the house to ourselves. We can talk. Not seeing you for all these months has really woken me up, Baby."

Needless to say, I drove the five hours from my new home in Atlanta to the Cullen home the following Friday. You opened the door the minute I pulled into the driveway, and you looked genuinely excited to see me.

My heart restarted that day, and for the next two years, we took turns making the journey. There were weekends we met halfway, and weekends you came to me. I never suspected a thing. I never questioned why we never saw your parents anymore, and Emmett had his own life, so we lost touch, or so I thought.

*****Reckless*****

_The picture of the two of you is gorgeous: a beautiful blonde staring up at you and you looking back at her with such reverence, the love so obvious. All I can think is "Why can't it be me?"_

_I wonder if she knows what desperation feels like. Even though she has you, I hope she never finds out. I don't want her to know that while she was preparing to start your life together, you were playing house with me._

*****Reckless*****

"You okay in there, Bella?" Maggie yelled from the other room, the glass shattering on the floor having gotten her attention. When I didn't respond, Maggie made her way into the kitchen where I'd been reading.

The advertising firm I worked for had placed ads in papers all over the southeast, and my boss had asked me to find copies of them and verify that the ads were as they were supposed to be. I'd left early and hit a few major chains in search of those papers. After finding them all, I went home and poured myself a glass of wine before sitting at the bar to start sifting through them. The number made me was glad we ran a weekday campaign instead of Sunday.

I was on my fifth paper, the _Nashville Post_, when I saw it—the engagement announcement of Katherine Elizabeth Wallace and Edward Anthony Cullen. The wine glass in my hand hit the floor and shattered as I just stared at the picture under his name.

"That son of a bitch," Maggie whispered behind me.

I didn't say a word. I don't remember if I cried. Hell, I don't even remember the five-hour drive I made that night.

I arrived at his parents' house at two o'clock in the morning. There were no cars in the driveway, so I just sat, staring at the window that I had crawled through more than once. When we were in high school, we couldn't get enough of each other, but at that point, I'd had enough of Edward's lies and bullshit to last a lifetime.

Just as I was about to make the trek back to Atlanta, the SS pulled into the driveway next to me.

"Bella? What are you doing here? We aren't supposed to meet until next weekend, right?" He sounded genuinely concerned.

"No, you're right, not until next weekend. I just needed to see you."

"Well, come on in. This is a very welcomed surprise."

Why did he have to sound so sincere? I needed to yell and scream. I needed answers from him. Instead, I let him love me.

When I awoke the next morning, I was wrapped in Edward's arm, and he was still snoring softly. I was determined to get my answers that morning but needed to pee before I started the conversation. I unwrapped myself from his arms, careful not to wake him, and got up and used the bathroom.

As I started to walk back down the halI, I realized that it didn't matter what he had to say. It was really over. He'd chosen her, and I hadn't even known she was in the running. Nothing he could say would change the fact that I had allowed him to string me along for far too long. I needed to reclaim me, remember who I was.

I tiptoed into his room and looked in at his sleeping form. He was beautiful as he slept and reminded me of the boy I fell in love with so many years ago. But he wasn't that boy anymore, so I whispered good-bye for the last time. And it would be the last time. I needed a new plan, a new start. I'd loved Washington the few times I'd visited my parents since they had moved up there, so I made the decision before I even walked out the front door.

I was taking my life back and I would start anew, far away from Edward Cullen.


End file.
